My beloved nanna died 5 days before Christmas. Then several years later, my wonderful dad died just a few days before Father’s Day. It all seemed quite surreal. I’d already bought his gift and written on his card before he passed. Come Christmas and Father’s Day, the happiness that goes with celebration seemed wrong. But like many families, there were young children in the family who, rightly so, still wanted to celebrate these occasions, so somehow, these gatherings still occurred. No-one expected him to, but my grandfather even still chose to dress up as Santa “for the kids”.
When I reflect on my own experiences and those of the many bereaved families I have worked with, here are some things which might be helpful if you or your children find yourselves grieving a loved one on a special day:
Tip #1 - Expect and plan for big emotions
It is normal and ok to feel grief more intensely around these times, no matter how much time has passed. Let your loved ones know this in the lead up to an occasion. It is not a sign that you are not coping. It is just love and grief dancing closely together.
Tip #2 - Be with others or spend a little time alone
If you know being with family and loved ones will be helpful for you on this day, then do this. If you know you will need some time to yourself, then organise for this to happen. If you can’t avoid attending a day with others when you would prefer some alone time, consider arriving late or leaving early. Letting others know prior this is your intention, rather than just leaving, can help them know you’re ok.
"When I remember that as far as you might be... it's love that keeps me close to you, and keeps you close to me." M. H. Clark author of the picture book, Everywhere, Still.
Tip #3 - Continue traditions or create new traditions
Some people find great comfort in continuing to celebrate or spend a significant day exactly the way they did with their deceased loved one. Others find it more helpful to create a new tradition. For example, this might be changing where a celebration occurs or changing some of the food that is eaten. For us at Christmas, I always make roast potatoes the way my nanna did and I've made a special memory bauble to hang on the tree in honour of my dad.
Tip #4 - Writing on cards
This is one of those things that people often don’t think about until they have the card in front of them and pen in hand. Whose name/s you sign a card from is up to you and will likely depend on who the card is for. Some people like to keep the deceased person’s name on the card, others don’t. Sometimes it might be less overwhelming to write ‘love the Smith family’. For some people, they chose to only write the recipient’s name and for others, they chose not to write a card at all.
Tip #5 - Continue connecting
Just because a loved one has passed, does not mean they are not part of your life. It is ok to talk about them, to reminisce and to laugh about funny things they might have said or done. If there are others around who do not find this comforting, that’s also ok. Find those who are ok sharing stories with you, even if some tears emerge.
Tip #6 - Honour your loved one
This can be done privately or with others. For example, buying their favourite chocolate at Easter and sharing it with family, listening to some music they enjoyed, visiting a favourite park, setting a place for them at the table, donating a gift to a charity on their behalf, buying or making a Christmas decoration to hang on the tree, buying a bunch of flowers in their favourite colour, watching one of their favourite shows or movies or reading a child a story their loved one used to read to them.
Tip #7 - Big emotions can be tiring
Especially if you still need to be responsible for other children or for organising the event. Delegate tasks where possible and say “yes” to anyone who offers to help out. Grieving children who are tired can quickly become dysregulated, easily annoyed or might need more hugs and time near you. Expecting and planning for this can be helpful for everyone. Consider limiting how many activities are scheduled in the day.
A note about Mother's and Father's Day at school
Primary schools and early childcare centres often have various card-making, crafts and stalls in the lead up to these days. I have supported many children whose parent has died, and these are some things they shared:
In a low-key way, allow children to opt out, or opt in, to these activities. Some children still want to participate, but they don’t like a fuss being made about this.
Allow children to make the decision to remain in the room during the activities or perhaps to be sent on a job somewhere else in the school.
Don’t require them to make something for another person in their family instead unless they want to.
School is a place of much needed ‘normality’ for a child whose parent has recently died. Children have told me, they just want teachers to treat them ‘normally’, no avoiding or awkwardness when speaking to them, but compassion on significant days to acknowledge when extra support might be needed.
Grief counselling with Jo
An opportunity to process your grief with someone who will not be overwhelmed by your grief. A place to say whatever you need to say, to feel whatever you need to feel without negative judgement. You can learn how to grieve in a healthy way whilst also still participating in life.
Would you like support?
I offer walk & talk or play & talk counselling in beautiful green spaces around Camden, SW Sydney. Sessions via zoom are also available if appropriate.
Contact me via email or leave a text message. I am generally able to reply within a couple of business days:
M: 0468 853 749
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